RELINQUISHING CONTROL
When you own a business, you have to be in control – of the finances, the software, the website, the space, the schedule, and subsequently you hope you can greatly impact how to get people into the business – asking the community what they want, what classes they would enjoy, supporting the staff, etc. But let’s be honest, COVID was completely out of our control and there continues to be a rippling impact to all service industry businesses (among a lot of other far worse things).
When negotiations over the summer with the landlord about the lease renewal and subsequent rent hike came up, I tried to figure out every way, shape, and form to hold on to the lease. Bleeding money when you’re providing a great resource to the community and supporting other small business owners is totally fine, right? But every sign made me realize a rent hike when you’re already losing money was not something I could sign up for. This loss of control was hard.
This coincided with a different loss of control in my personal life. Jason and I found out we were pregnant, and we were ecstatic. A 38-year-old COULD get pregnant, and I was showing all the signs. So, when we went in for an ultrasound only to find no heartbeat and get told to come back the following week to find growth, but still no heartbeat, and yet again come a third time a week later to confirm this pregnancy was a miscarriage, my sense of control was shaken even more. There was no heartbeat, no baby, and what felt like no hope. The progression of emotions, the hormones, my sense of worth, not to mention the expulsion of blood and depression to follow is more than can be articulated in a 500-word article (1 in 4 pregnancies end in a miscarriage – it really makes me look around the grocery store at every woman there and wonder if they too are suffering from this unspoken trauma.).
Sometimes, I need to realize letting go of the control I think I have is ok. It helps simmer the “what if” voices in my head. What if I hadn’t eaten that tilefish? What if I had managed my stress better? What if at my advanced maternal age this was my only chance? Dwelling on the things I can’t control is just a waste of time, taking energy away from new opportunities that present themselves. So, the studio may not be able to stay on MacArthur, but where else could it be housed? So, we may have had a miscarriage, but that doesn’t mean we can’t have a child somehow, someway.
I was lucky though on both counts. Our meditation instructor (who is also a wellness retailer and reiki provider), chose to take over the space to expand her growing business and let True North lease back a studio – a win-win. Staying in the community AND not being responsible for the full building lease, its upkeep, sublets, and all the other added responsibilities. She gave us the opportunity to keep meditation, yoga, massage, and acupuncture in the community.
In my personal life, although a lot of people are not as fortunate and my heart turns over and over for them, Jason and I have found ourselves almost 7 months along towards what will be a wild and hopefully great ride with a new kiddo on the way. Sometimes finding myself out of control leads me right where I need to be. I look forward to seeing you all at the studio still on MacArthur Avenue, and in a few months also on the streets with a stroller, maybe a little more sleep deprived and disheveled than normal but radiating on the inside.
